In demonstrating that she was much more than a pretty face, Marilyn Monroe, that glamorous doyenne of the 1950s movie set, once said, “I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, am out of control, and frankly, I’m hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me when I’m at my worst, you sure as heck don’t deserve me when I’m at my best.”
In doing so, she characterised the manner in which many of us misbehave towards each other, demonstrating remarkably little self-awareness of how difficult we can be, or act, at some times while expecting others to see us as we are at the best of our times, because that’s how we like to see ourselves and imagine ourselves only to be. I remember being given some good advice once when I was being severely critical of a work colleague. “Don’t be critical until you’ve walked in his shoes. You don’t have the right to such arrogance.”
It was humbling to be put in my place and did me no harm at all in my appreciation of those around me. There’s no doubt about the hypocrisy of seeing, and judging the worst in people, as the defining of them. They are almost certainly not that person, and deserve a little more understanding, but we do tend to judge others by harsher standards than ourselves. The irony being that if we saw ourselves too often as others see us, we would probably blame others for those failings. We’re like that. It’s what we do.
Very few of us see ourselves in a ‘warts and all’ fashion as it requires a certain amount of introspection and self-analysis, something that, for a start, we rarely have time for, and secondly, isn’t much fun. We have all been there, haven’t we? Forced by an unpleasant experience of some kind to ‘look at ourselves in the mirror,’ and see what’s wrong with us, and what’s wrong with our behaviour? It’s contrary to what we want to be doing.
Mother Teresa explained, in her wisdom, that we are all, “unreasonable, irrational and self-centred,” in some measure, and I guess that’s just another of the fallibilities that make us what we are? So why should we worry about seeing ourselves as we truly are? After all, nobody’s perfect. Great relationships are built on Monroe’s philosophical view in a perverse sort of a way, as they are built upon knowing enough about each other, and caring enough about each other, to find a way to make the relationship work. They are rarely the result of a shared Nirvana.
It’s human nature to see ourselves in a good light, positively, and full of all of the good things in life. However, the realities, once confronted, are something of a rude awakening usually. We try and excuse ourselves too, by blaming our work or home environment, financial pressures, and our preoccupation with image and self. We don’t really know what we want, where we’re going, or what we’re doing, and without purpose, lack direction.
We should therefore look for inspiration from not so many years ago, when a gentleman named Max Ehrman advised us in his Desiderata, to be of good character, and on good terms with all people, for they all have something to share. To understand that many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness, and that disenchantment, vanity and imagery feed the cynicism of genuine love and affection. To be at peace, and know there is nothing wrong with celebrating your achievements.
Understanding all this, our vanities, frailties, conceit and fragility, our need to be immaculate, to paraphrase him, “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, ours is still a beautiful world.”
Ray Petersen
petersen_ray@hotmail.com
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