Ahmed is in his mid-thirties and has been on medication and therapy for an episode of depression. During our last session, he mentioned an incident that made him feel ‘unwanted.’
He was visiting his elder brother and found his other siblings were all gathered to celebrate the elder brother’s promotion. His first thoughts were 'They do not love me' and 'My presence bores them'.
He tried to find excuses recalling that he had not attended a family gathering for a long time and they may have assumed that he would not attend this one as well but his mind kept ruminating about it all the time.
Social rejection can be defined as a deliberate behaviour performed by a person or a group of people to exclude others. We all must have experienced some form of rejection such as not being invited to a social event or not getting the attention we seek from a WhatsApp group discussion.
We all agree that humans are social creatures that value social interactions as it provide them with self-esteem, respect, praise, and a sense of belonging.
From a scientific perspective, the human brain is wired to seek acceptance and fear rejection with recent evidence showing that the negative emotions one experiences from rejection trigger chemical reactions in the brain similar to that induced by physical pain.
This is why most humans develop what we can call an 'emotional radar' that detects social rejection and swiftly corrects their behaviour to prevent negative outcomes.
Developmental psychology tells us that children as young as six months old are able to read their parents’ interactions and detect signs of rejection, especially from their mothers.
This interaction will shape the type of attachment a child develops which can be secure or insecure. Secure attachment, where parents consistently meet their child’s needs with respect and balance, leads to healthy emotional development whereas insecure attachment, where parents neglect or mock their child’s needs, results in lifelong social and emotional difficulties.
A child who experiences insecure attachment is more likely to develop dependent or avoidant personality traits as an adult which impacts his social relationships as he or she constantly fears rejection and may sabotage a potentially healthy relationship by rejecting the other person to avoid being subjected to rejection.
Feelings of exclusion and rejection can lead to aggression as an attempt to regain control. A recent study from the US showed teenagers involved in school shootings were more likely to have experienced rejection at some point in their lives.
So how can we deal with rejection?
First, we need to accept that we cannot be loved by everyone and that trying to please everyone often leads to a lack of personal stability and authenticity.
Instead, we should view rejection as a natural part of life that can facilitate our personal growth and self-improvement. When facing rejection, think about it as a powerful motivator for positive change and an opportunity for new beginnings rather than an end.
For example, being denied a promotion might prompt someone to seek better opportunities elsewhere.
Personal rejections can reveal the true nature of relationships, helping individuals make better decisions about who to keep in their lives.
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