Relationships: Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. They are so much a part of our lives aren’t they? They may be a consequence of blood, love, lust, culture, necessity, economics, design, arrangement, convenience, and or fashion.
Definitions all revolve around the way in which people are connected, or even the way in which people behave towards each other, and given the excesses and challenges of our time, it is a true wonder of this world that any survive, particularly given that what should, on the face of it, sustain and add value to relationships are the very things that can tear them apart.
For example, relationship counselling, is a growth industry that although its stated purpose is to keep couples together, in practice, the very ‘honesty’ that counsellors demand of their clientele, is what will ultimately drive them apart. What the ‘protagonists’ in a relationship want is rarely going to be the same. What they prioritise is rarely going to be the same. What they will accept of each other as acceptable behaviours is rarely going to be the same.
So, how is emotional wellbeing to be satiated by this polarization? Leading counsellors seek to re-establish the security and happiness that bought people together, however by focusing on the individual, and giving them the opportunity to describe their pain, conflict, or isolation while their partner is torn between response, and their own insecurities. It’s a recipe for disaster as the blame game, the finger-pointing will never end.
Give-and take exists only in literature, is a bridge too far for most of us as full and frank discussions, as in politics, have extraordinarily long memories. The wounds opened by ‘forgive and forget,’ again, rarely work out well, whether in books or movies, so why should life be any different? One of you, one day, when pushed far enough, will seize upon the not-quite-forgiven-and-forgotten, and go for the jugular, casting peace aside, re-opening old wounds, and renewing hostilities. It’s human nature at its most primal.
The thing is, most mistakes are just that, mistakes. They rarely have a willingness to hurt as part of their DNA, yet a single poor decision, mistake, can so often take on an identity that is a stranger to its genesis, instead becoming a catalyst for calamity, and being blown out of all proportion. The fact is, we all make mistakes. Some we learn from, some we don’t, but if there is one pearl of wisdom I would share with you ahead of all else, it would be that many battles need not be fought, and a wry smile, a “Yes dear,” or an “I understand,” as remarkably effective.
None of these demonstrate weakness, but rather the wisdom to put ego and pride on the back-burner. The ability to have respect for each other, your differences, your opinions, and each other’s achievements have the potential to create an environment in which differences can be encouraged and celebrated, rather than being weaponized. I have found too, that good relationships aren’t something that you walk away from when they aren’t going well. Good relationships come about when you have to work hard and find ways to make them work, because all relationships go through hard times, while genuine relationships get through them.
We so often hear the subsequent plaintive cry: ‘You make one little mistake...” in the wake of having made one. Often accompanied by a wry smile that probably indicates that it has neither been just one mistake, or a little one. But does it matter? Relationships work when we both work at them, when we are both resilient, and when we both want the same thing... to be together. Relationships, like life, are never easy, and as Forrest Gump observed ‘are like a box of chocolates,’ where there are the ones you like, and those you don’t, and so won’t always be smooth sailing.
They are not, in fact, ‘a walk in the park,’ or more rightly, ‘a walk in Jurassic Park.’ But all the better for the defiance and demur.
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