How to be assertive

I recently attended a talk about assertiveness and its impact on our mental well-being. The presenter started by listing the five types of interpersonal communication styles; the passive, the aggressive, the assertive, and the passive-aggressive explaining the difference between each style.

She then demonstrated an example of a situation where a manager asked a worker to stay longer in the office after the end of the working hours to cover for a colleague while the worker wanted to get home on time. The speaker asked the audience “What should the worker do?” the majority felt it would be appropriate to stay longer at the office as it would be rude to refuse the request of the boss.

The discussion continued and I could sense that some of the audience were feeling uneasy about the concept of being assertive and it became clear that they were people pleasers who felt unable to say no.

As a people pleaser, you tend to put other needs first instead of yours which some times leads to anger and frustration. Take the example of a worker who is always asked to cover for his colleagues because he is single or his family lives far away so the manager thinks it’s OK to ask this worker to stay behind and finish work while others rush to their families.

The worker may feel obliged to agree because he does not want to upset others even if feels abused by them.

Assertiveness can be defined as a social skill that relies heavily on communicating your feelings and needs while respecting the thoughts and wishes of others. For the above example, an assertive worker would be able to explain that he feels it is unfair to ask to stay behind when everyone has left the workplace, he may suggest a system where people take turns to work extra hours. This way he was able to express his thoughts, suggest a solution, and respectfully set boundaries.

According to psychologists, being assertive has several advantages such as strengthening relationships, preventing negative conflicts and arguments, and enabling people to feel in control of their own lives. Assertive people tend to be more confident, have high self-esteem and are less likely to experience burnout. Here are a few tips to help you become more assertive: start by assessing your communication style.

Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Use 'I' statements. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." If you have a request, say, "I would like you to help with this" rather than, "You need to do this." Keep your requests simple, specific, and clear. Practice saying No, rehearse what you want to say if you have difficulties expressing your thoughts. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. Keep an upright posture and make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression while remaining calm, breathing slowly, and keeping your voice even and firm.

Remember that it may take some time to develop an assertive style and some people around you may not like it but it is worth the time and the effort.