We grieve differently

Ahmed — not his real name — was in his early forties when he attended therapy. He was married for over fifteen years but every time his wife gets pregnant she has a miscarriage in the first few weeks which made the couple feel frustrated.

The last pregnancy took place a year ago and with the grace of God and the help of doctors the pregnancy was carried to the fifth month.

Ahmed and his wife were very excited and started preparing the room for their baby boy, unfortunately, the wife’s health deteriorated as her blood pressure became very high and no treatment was able to bring it under control. The doctors informed Ahmed that his wife’s life is in danger and the pregnancy must be terminated. The couple were devastated. The wife was given medication to terminate the pregnancy and had to go through the process of giving birth to the dead fetus. Ahmed describes carrying his dead boy saying “ I lost him before even having him”.

The couple went through difficult times and each ended up grieving in their way. Ahmed spent a long time at work and when at home the couple had very little conversation. Ahmed developed depression and irritability for simple reasons and ended up divorcing his wife. His depression got worse, especially with the loneliness he experienced after his ex-wife left the house.

The death of a child is considered one of the most traumatic events. For many bereaved parents, the effects of losing a child are long-lasting and can be profoundly debilitating. Many parents experience a variety of psychological struggles, including complicated and unresolved grief that doesn’t go away.

Parents describe feelings of loss that do not improve even after time passes, along with painful emotions that stop them from resuming their own life. Anger is a common emotion experienced by grieving parents. I remember a patient who lost her son saying “ It’s not the natural order when a child dies before the parents”. This anger can be directed toward other people who can move on.

Some parents experience intense guilt when their child dies in an accident or if they believe they could have done something to prevent the death, others feel angry and blame themselves or their partner which does not help in the grieving process.

Anxiety is a common feeling experienced by a grieving person as the loss of a child conflicts with their sense of safety and disturbs the core of their family life. So what can help parents grieve well? The first step is to have a friend whom you can trust and feel that you can talk to them without fear of being judged. Sometimes talking to people who went through a similar experience also helps. Prayers and reconnecting with God is very essential as sometimes the feeling of loss can be so intense that it may challenge your faith.

If the person is experiencing some form of mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, or sleep disturbances they need to seek advice from a mental health professional. Remember that your emotions may affect your other children who would be grieving in their way, Losing a child can negatively change your life so stay strong for you and the rest of your family.